When I first started this account I do so as a way to get publicly for the story the I'm working on. Then it became a place for me to share photos. And then the desire to become popular took over.
I wanted millions to know about the story I was working on, I wanted to read their praise. It started off tame, I'd look at popular users and think about being that popular myself. Then it became an obsession. I'd watch other users just so that they'd come and check my gallery out. I had this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that it was a scummy thing to do. And for the most part I'd listen to it. But there'd always be that one time where I'd slip.
Then a little nagging voice would start up. "You need to be more active on this site, that's the only way you'll ever get anywhere with your story." This voice would nearly always start when I was drained of the passion to come on here, and I started belittling myself for not having that passion.
It only got worse when I latched onto the idea that I was going to die before I completed the story, and I'd fade away into nothingness. Just another dead stranger to join the fifty thousand that die daily, the ones that aren't even thought about. They're just gone with barely a tear shed. As you can imagine this changed my perspective, all that mattered was that number on my daily statistics. I did always wonder why some users disabled that, and I think I know why they do now.
It's because it can add more and more stress. You get focused on it, you get sixteen one day so you must get nineteen the next, you aren't growing otherwise. You become obsessed with growth and it saps all enjoyment for coming on here. That's what happened to me. The worst part about it was that I didn't see those sixteen views as people until I thought about it. It wasn't a situation of "Yes! Sixteen people have took the time out of their day to come and visit me. " It was "Great. I got sixteen today so let's go and favorite a couple more artists that I'll never check out again so that tomorrow I'll have twenty two views." This viewpoint has caused me to have two mental breakdowns so far.
And that's why I haven't been on this site as much. I'm losing who I am to the desire to become popular. I don't want that, I want to make as many people on this site happy. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try and help more people, or at least make them smile.